omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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