Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
