If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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