I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
