you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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