So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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