I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
