home. puking in laundry basket.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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