Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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