I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
