We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
