It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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