I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
