Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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