I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
