I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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