I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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