god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
