she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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