The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
