Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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