Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
