Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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