Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize