Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
