just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
