Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The air was thick with penises
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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