I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
