so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
