Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
