life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
