Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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