So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The uberlube is also flammable
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
