i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
