how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
