i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
