dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
