I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The Olympian is in my bed
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
