I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
do herpes really smell.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
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