I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
