Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
