Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This is my gift to your gina
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
