Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
