No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
