I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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