totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
