i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
