I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
