This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
