I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
