Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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