Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she told me i tasted like america
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
