don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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