What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize