Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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