so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
